I'm supposed to be zonked out by now. But somehow I can't sleep.

Just went through a friend's blog and found an paragraph describing her life....

"Perhaps it was my retribution for the things i had done. Retribution. I believe in that. Karma. From what life has taught me, what goes around does come around eventually. There are so many things in my life i wish i could change. Sometimes i wonder why i always seem to feel so sad. Is it depression, or the inability to communicate my feelings to the people i love and really care about. There are times, when a simple gesture of care and concern seems so difficult to carry out. There seems only to be 3 kinds of emotions in my life. (1) Silence (2)Anger/Fustrations (3)Laughter.Notice the last part is not happiness but laughter. And thats because i know not what i truly feel"

I can somehow relate to this passage... i have no idea. But I know I'm someone who has the inability to communicate my feelings to people I Love and care about... I just dunno what to do sometimes to just show the person I love that I do Love her... It's the same for the past relationship which usually results in the same ending... That they usually would say that I have the 'heck-care' attitude towards them. It's not I do not bother, it's just hard for me to show it out as my brain can't coordinate with my actions.

I wanted so much to change that, to be able to show my feelings with my actions, or to even voice my frustration or sadness or disappointment to the person I love, but somehow, I have this 'bottle-it-up' thingey stuck with me.

I guess people around me would see me as someone who jokes alot, laugh alot... cheerful, happy-go-lucky girl but who truly knows me inside out? Who really does know what I'm thinking inside? I feel I'm raining inside but sunny on the outside. Have anyone felt that kind of pain? Sun and rain doesnt mix, it'll make people sick... Though a rainbow is conjured in the process when it rains and shines at the same time. But it doesnt happen to me.

Perhaps it's just my stupid mouth that refuses to open up and voice out what I really felt inside. I lost many things due to this.. And it's to late to salvage whatever that's left.

"I am afraid my inability to express my love would cause me to lose the ones i love, in return causing a chain reaction in which walls are up, preparing myself against my invisible enemy. I wish i wasn't so hard, so cold. I wish i was spared the agony of silence for it chokes me.I know all i have to do is believe, but yet, it seems like the hardest thing at this point in time."

I always have this wall around me, this invisible wall which seems to block everyone out... Someone had broken into it once and managed to stay inside, to grow with me and share whatever emotions that i'm feeling... To be with me no matter what. But it's unconsequential now.

I'd better shake all these thoughts off my brain and try to sleep now.. Hopefully all will be well again when the sun shines...

---

"Almost Here"
(feat. Delta Goodrem)

Did I hear you right
'Cause I thought you said
Let's think it over

You have been my life
And I never planned
Growing old without you

Shadows bleeding through the light
Where a love once shined so bright
Came without a reason

Don't let go on us tonight
Love's not always black and white
Haven't I always loved you?

But when I need you
You're almost here
And I know that's
Not enough
But when I'm with you
I'm close to tears
'Cause you're only almost here

I would change the world
If I had a chance
Oh won't you let me

Treat me like a child
Throw your arms around me
Please protect me

Bruised and battered by your words
Dazed and shattered how it hurts
Haven't I always loved you

But when I need you
You're almost here
And I know that's
Not enough
But when I'm with you
I'm close to tears
'Cause you're only almost here

Bruised and battered by your words
Dazed and shattered now it hurts
Haven't I always loved you

But when I need you, you're almost here
(Well I never knew how far behind I'd left you)
And when I hold you, you're almost here
(Well I'm sorry that I took our love for granted)
(Now I'm with you, I'm close to tears
'Cause I know I'm almost here)
Only almost here

"My Immortal"

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

[Chorus:]
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

[Chorus]

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

[Chorus]

Simple Plan - Welcome to My Life


Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don't belong
And no one understands you
Do you ever wanna run away?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud
That no one hears you screaming

No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels all right
You don't know what it's like
To be like me

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life

Do you wanna be somebody else?
Are you sick of feeling so left out?
Are you desperate to find something more?
Before your life is over
Are you stuck inside a world you hate?
Are you sick of everyone around?
With their big fake smiles and stupid lies
While deep inside you're bleeding

No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels all right
You don't know what it's like
To be like me

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life

No one ever lied straight to your face
And no one ever stabbed you in the back
You might think I'm happy but I'm not gonna be okay
Everybody always gave you what you wanted
You never had to work it was always there
You don't know what it's like, what it's like

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like (what it's like)

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life
Welcome to my life
Welcome to my life

Fuck lah! I wished he would die.....

I wished he would be lost... literally lost and not be found....
I wished he would have the balls to jump off the parapet when he said he wanted to...
I wished when he said he will step out off the house and never come back
I wished he did...

Bastard without balls....

I REALLY WISHED

AlterBridge - Open Your Eyes


Looking back, I clearly see
What it is, that's killing me
Through the eyes, I wanna know
I see a vision, once let go
I had it all
Constantly it burdens me
So hard a choice, I can't believe
I lost the faith, I lost the love
But when the day is done

Will they open their eyes
And realize, we're one
On and on, we stand alone
Until our day is gone
When they open their eyes
And realize, we're one

I love the way you feel today
Now I know the sun will fade
Darker days seem to be
What will always live in me
But still I run
It's hard to walk this path alone
Hard to know which way to go
Will I ever stay the same, will it ever change?

Will they open their eyes
And realize, we're one
Still the pain we carry on
I know our day will come
Will they open their eyes
And realize, we're one

Will they open their eyes
And realize, we're one
(It's hard to walk this path alone)
(Hard to know which way to go)
When they open their eyes
And realize, we're one
(We lost the faith, we lost the love)
(But when the day is done)
Will they open their eyes
And realize, we're one